You know you work in community theatre when:

• your living room sofa spends more time on stage than you do.
• you've ever appeared on stage wearing your own clothes.
• you can find a prop in the prop room that hasn't seen the light of day in ten years, but you don't know where your own vacuum cleaner is.
• you've ever appeared in or worked on any show written by Van Zandt and Milmore.
• you have a Frequent Shopper Card at The Salvation Army.
• you start buying your work clothes at Goodwill so you can buy your costumes at the mall.
• you've ever cleaned a tuxedo with a magic marker.
• you've ever appeared on stage in an outfit held together with hot glue.
• you've ever appeared in a show where tech week is devoted to getting the running time under 4 1/2 hours.
• your children have ever begged you not to buy them any more Happy Meals.
• you think Neil Simon is a misunderstood genius.
• you've ever appeared in a show where the cast outnumbered the audience.
• you've ever gotten a part because you were the only one who showed up for auditions.
• the audience recognizes you the minute you walk on stage because they saw you taking out the trash before the show.
• you've ever menaced anyone with a gun held together with electrical tape.
• you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing a dinner gown and high heels.
• you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing a dinner gown and high heels – and you're a guy.
• you've ever played the father of someone your father's age.
• your kids know your lines better than you do.
• your kids DELIVER your lines better than you do.
• you get home from rehearsal and have to go back to the theater because you forgot your kids.
• you've ever appeared in a show where an actor leaned out through a window without opening it first.
• you've ever had to play a drunk scene opposite someone who was REALLY drunk.
• you've ever heard a director say, "Try not to bump into the furniture," and mean it.
• you've ever appeared on stage with people you're related to.
• you've ever heard the head of the set construction crew say, "Just paint it black – no one will ever see it."
• you've ever appeared in a show featuring a flushing toilet sound effect.
• the set designer has ever told you not to walk on the left half of the stage because the floor's still wet, five minutes before curtain.
• you've ever been told that the reason your director has no eyebrows is because he handled special effects for the last show.
• you've ever said, "Don't worry -- we'll just hot glue it."

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